Letter #15: Honestly, yours.
Dear H,
I have this piece of paper stuck on my wall. I write quotes on it. I’m sure you have heard about it from me if we talk at all. It is my “Quotes Wall”, which is kind of inaccurate, but still, I decided to roll with the name.
On one of the sections of this wall, I had written: “I feel contended - Harshpreet, on 4th September 2020” in bold, with a sprinkle of italics. But I always knew that one day I would look at this, and just get jealous of my past self for feeling the way she did. So I left space underneath it. On 26th November 2020, I wrote, “I feel really shit today - Harshpreet. (early hours) (and both those emotions are okay)” in small font, trying to squeeze the entire message in, trying to convince myself, almost.
I wake up facing this wall almost every day, this is the first thing my eyes see when I wake up - that or, the time on my phone. I have been recently thinking about these two things I wrote. I expressed my contentedness without putting any time limit on it, I did not say when I felt the said emotion, if it lasted for days or if it was just a momentary thing that happened once. Nor do I remember at this point, if I am being honest. I barely remembered that today was Tuesday. But when I wrote about feeling bad, I felt the need to put a time limit on it. Almost as if sending a message to my future self who would wake up to this every day that even your bad day only lasted for just some hours, it is okay.
In the past few days, I have noticed myself not engaging with people. I am not busy, I was in the entirety of November except for the last few days, and I will be busy again after 20th December (I have my finals). I just want to seen-zone people and not draw too much attention to myself. I am fairly aware what I am doing is wrong. But I am also worried about being a bit of mood ruiner. I don’t want that on my head. And, I don’t know why I am writing about that here as well. Okay, maybe I do. In my head, I mostly write these letters to a single person in my brain, so it somewhat feels like I am talking to them. The person changes from letter to letter and if you ask me who, I am not going to tell you unless I feel like I should. But, I digress.
I don’t know, H. The world looks like it is spiralling out of control, and I am trying to keep myself grounded in the hurricane and I just feel numb. I haven’t read anything, I don’t feel like watching anything. The only thing that does give me a bit of joy is solving fandom mysteries. What happened with Eroda, do you know? And, even if I were to talk to someone, the words just don’t form themselves into sentences that I could send to someone. I open chats to ask something, to contribute something, and my brain says no, I sigh and I open something where people do not really know.
I wish there was a way of talking to you, though. It always feels safe whenever I address anything to you, do you know what I mean? I am also worried for you on days, but that’s just what I always do. I know you would say it’ll pass, so in a way you are here, aren’t you?
Honestly, yours.
H.
